An old man had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor gave him a set of hearing aids that helped the man to hear 100 %.
The old man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The man replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman. She knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all amazed.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”
They are knocked over, but continue to ask.
“So, how did you persuade her to marry you?”
“I lied about my age,” Bob replies.
“Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”
While walking down the street one day a corrupt politician is tragically hit by a car and killed. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a politician around these parts so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the politician.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher-ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend your eternity.”
“Really? I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the politician.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and talk about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then had a lobster, caviar and the finest champagne for dinner.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that, before the politician knows it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for him. “Now it’s time to visit heaven for a day.”
So, the politician joins a group of smiling souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The politician reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a desert covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in dirty clothes, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.”I don’t understand,” stammers the politician. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?” The devil smiles at him and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning to get your vote. Today, you voted.”
A man from a circus travels by car. He has long hair and looks like a mafia boss. A policeman stops the car.
When he looks inside the car, he is shocked. The car is full of big knives.
“What are those big knives doing in your car?” asks the policeman.
“I play with them in a circus.”
“Oh, really?” says the policeman, who doesn’t believe him. “Let’s see how you do it.”
The man gets out and starts throwing and catching the knives. Another man, who is driving around, stops to watch the situation.
“Wow,” says this man. “I’m glad that I stopped drinking before driving. Look at the tests which they’re giving now!”
A young boy and his father were visiting a city for the first time. They went to a big shopping centre. They were amazed by almost everything that they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, “What is this, Father?” The father (never having seen a lift) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, “Go get your mother!”
A man goes into a pet shop, wanting to buy a bird. He sees a beautiful bird, the loveliest he’s ever seen, and asks how much it is. The shop owner replies, “That bird is $1000.”
“What?!” cries the man, “$1000 for a bird? What does it do?”
“Well, I’m glad you asked,” says the shop owner. “You see, that bird can sing every female role in our opera house from memory.”
The man thinks, OK but I can’t afford the bird. He sees a shorter, but still beautiful, bird and asks how much that one is.
“That bird is $2000,” replies the shop owner, and the man asks what this bird can do. “Well, he can play any Paganini concerto that you request on the violin from memory.” The man thinks wow, but I really can’t afford that bird.
He then sees an ancient, hunched, half-dead, ugly, bald bird sitting in the corner of a cage, and, thinks that this bird couldn’t cost very much. He asks the shop owner. “Oh, that bird is $20000,” he replies. Shocked, the man asks what this bird does. “Oh, we haven’t found out yet,” the owner replies. “But the other two call him Maestro.”
Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking whisky, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other “professor“, and generally attracting a lot of attention. When asked why they were having such a celebration, they said proudly that they’ve just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took them 2 months! “Two months?!” cried the bartender. “That’s ridiculous. It shouldn’t take that long!”
“Oh, yeah?” says one drunk. “The box said 2-4 years!”
There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole. He would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole. He would fill, fill, fill. These two men worked very hard, one was digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and he couldn’t believe how hard these men were working, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. Finally, he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, “I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!”
The hole digger replied, “Oh yeah, it must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today.”
A man died and went straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms that he could choose from in which to spend eternity.
The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn’t breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn’t want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The man looked for a while and then told the devil that this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, drank his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, “Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!”
Two cows are standing on top of a hill. One cow turns to the other cow and says, “Are you worried about mad cow disease?” The other cow looks puzzled. “Why? I’m a helicopter.”