A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he saw a policeman who said, “Now, now young boy, I think you should take that monkey to the zoo.”
The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again when he saw the same policeman. The policeman said, “Hey boy, I thought I told you to take that monkey to the zoo!”
The boy answered, “I did! Today, I’m taking it to the cinema.”
The new employee stood before the paper shredder and was looking confused.
“Do you need some help?” a secretary asked.
“Yes,” he replied, “how does this thing work?”
“It’s simple,” she said, taking the fat report from his hand and putting it into the shredder.
“Thanks, but where do the copies come out?”
In a Catholic school restaurant, a nun puts a note in front of a pile of apples, “Take only one. God is watching.”
Next to the apples, there is a pile of cookies. A little boy writes his own note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
One day a friend asked Fred, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Fred replied, “Well, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “So, what’s the problem?”
Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
Four expectant fathers are waiting in a hospital while their wives are in labour. The nurse comes to the waiting room and tells the first man, “Congratulations, you’re a father of twins.”
“What a coincidence,” the man says. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”
A little later, the nurse comes back and tells the second man, “You are a father of triplets.”
“That’s really an incredible coincidence,” he answers. “I work for the 3M Corporation.”
An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets.
The man says, “I don’t believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence…”
When the third man says that, everyone looks at the fourth man who has just fainted. After a second, he opens his eyes and whispers, “Jesus, I work at Millennium Computers!”
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn’t swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, “Do you need help, sir?”
The preacher calmly said, “No, God will save me.”
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, “Hey, do you need help?”
The preacher replied again, “No, God will save me.”
Finally, the preacher drowned and went to heaven. The preacher asked God, “Why didn’t you save me?”
God replied, “Fool, I sent you two boats!”
A very drunk man gets home and starts to open the door but he is too drunk to do it. From the balcony, his wife shouts, “Should I throw you the key?”
“I have got the key,” he said, “Throw me the lock!”
Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson go camping. They put up their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Some time in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson and says, “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson says, “I can see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes says, “And what does it mean, Watson?”
Watson replies, “Well, if there are millions of stars, and even if a few of those stars have planets, then it’s quite likely there are some planets like ours out there. And if there are planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”
And Holmes says, “Watson, you idiot, it means that someone has stolen our tent.”
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain, and they name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
A very excited mother asked her daughter, “Well, what happened when you showed the girls in the office your new engagement ring? Did they all admire it?”
Her daughter replied, “Better than that, four of them recognised it!”