Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson go camping. They put up their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Some time in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson and says, “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson says, “I can see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes says, “And what does it mean, Watson?”
Watson replies, “Well, if there are millions of stars, and even if a few of those stars have planets, then it’s quite likely there are some planets like ours out there. And if there are planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”
And Holmes says, “Watson, you idiot, it means that someone has stolen our tent.”
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain, and they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
A very excited mother asked her daughter, “Well, what happened when you showed the girls in the office your new engagement ring? Did they all admire it?” Her daughter replied, “Better than that, four of them recognised it!”
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. “Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man put his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Please let me in!” he said, “And see my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
A contestant on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” had reached the final level. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would get only the $32,000 milestone money.
As she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question wasn’t easy. It was: Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it
A) the condor;
B) the pelican;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?
The woman was lost. She did not know the answer. And she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded quickly, “That’s easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo.”
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certainty, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. “I need an answer,” said the host. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, “C: The cuckoo.”
“Is that your final answer?” asked the host. “Yes, that is my final answer.”
Two seconds later, the host said, “I regret to inform you that the answer is… absolutely correct.
You are now a millionaire!”
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. “Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you,” said the contestant. “Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was your certainty with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the right answer?”
“Oh, come on!” said the blonde. “Everybody knows that cuckoos don’t build nests. They live in clocks.”
An old man had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor gave him a set of hearing aids that helped the man to hear 100 %.
The old man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The man replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman. She knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all amazed. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”
They are knocked over, but continue to ask.
“So, how did you persuade her to marry you?”
“I lied about my age,” Bob replies.
“Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”
While walking down the street one day a corrupt politician is tragically hit by a car and killed. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. “Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a politician around these parts so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the politician.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher-ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend your eternity.”
“Really? I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the politician.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and talk about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then had a lobster, caviar and the finest champagne for dinner.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that, before the politician knows it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for him. “Now it’s time to visit heaven for a day.”
So, the politician joins a group of smiling souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The politician reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a desert covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in dirty clothes, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.”I don’t understand,” stammers the politician. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?” The devil smiles at him and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning to get your vote. Today, you voted.”
A man from a circus travels by car. He has long hair and looks like a mafia boss. A policeman stops the car.
When he looks inside the car, he is shocked. The car is full of big knives.
“What are those big knives doing in your car?” asks the policeman.
“I play with them in a circus.”
“Oh, really?” says the policeman, who doesn’t believe him. “Let’s see how you do it.”
The man gets out and starts throwing and catching the knives. Another man, who is driving around, stops to watch the situation.
“Wow,” says this man. “I’m glad that I stopped drinking before driving. Look at the tests which they’re giving now!”
