A woman didn’t follow the traffic rules. She was sent to traffic court. When they asked about her job, she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge stood up from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher! Now sit and write ‘I will not run a red light’ five hundred times!”
A doctor is examining a woman. She is in the Emergency Room. The doctor took the husband aside.
“I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.”
“Me neither, doctor. But she’s a great cook and she is really good with the kids.”
A man goes into a post office one day. A middle-aged bald man is standing at the counter. He is sticking stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He also sprays the envelopes with perfume.
The man goes to the bald man and asks him,
“What are you doing?”
“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards. They’re signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?”
“I’m a divorce lawyer.”
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel and never mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man loves children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
And a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He’ll do anything in his power
To express his love to you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He’s a best friend to your mother
and kisses away your pain.
He will never make you cry
or batter you in any way
To hell with this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood when he asked the prisoner,
“What are you charged with?”
“I was doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.
“That’s no offence”, said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened.”
An old man went to the doctor. He had problems with a terrible pain in his leg.
“I am afraid, it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “I can’t do anything about it.”
“That can’t be true!” replied the old man, “You just don’t know what it is”.
“How can you possibly know that I am wrong?” asked the doctor.
“Well it’s simple,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exactly same age!”
If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the Lamb of God, does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?
Dear God,
When I get to Heaven, can I sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Also, are there any postmen in Heaven? If so, will I have to apologise?
Thank You,
The Dog
“Doctor, I felt miserable and I tried to commit suicide. I decided to swallow a thousand aspirins.”
“Really? And what happened?”
“I started feeling much better after the first two.”
A young couple is sitting in the park, and the boy asks:
“Could you love a stupid boy who is really rich?”
“Oh, Fernando! You are rich?!”