Mother comes home from a business trip and she asks her little son, “Well, Johnny, how was your life with father when I was away?”
“Everything was fine, mum,” the little boy says. “Daddy took me to the middle of the lake by boat every morning and I swam home alone.”
“Wasn’t it difficult for you to swim?”
“Oh, no, mum, the only problem was that I had to get out of the bag first.”
An old man is going by car. He is going on a big road. His phone rings.
He answers the phone. He hears his wife. She tells him, “Herman, I listened to the news. They say that there is a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!”
“It is not only one car,” says Herman, “It is many cars!”
What is the name that cannibals have for athletes?
Fast food!
Are you good at doing things for the first time?
If not, skydiving is not for you!
A husband and wife have a new computer. They need to set up a password. The husband types in “Mypenis”.
The wife falls on the ground. She is laughing. The computer says, “Error. Not long enough.”
A man wants to be a monk. He goes to a monastery. He talks to the head monk.
The head monk says,
“You must be quiet all the time. You can say only two words every three years.”
The man says OK. After the first 3 years, the head monk comes to him and says,
“What are your two words?”
“Food cold!” the man says.
Three more years go by and the head monk comes to him and says,
“What are your two words?”
“Clothes dirty!” the man shouts.
Three more years go by and the head monk comes to him and says,
“What are your two words?”
“I finish!” says the man.
“Well,” the head monk says, “It is logical and I understand. All your time in here, you speak only about problems!”
“Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
“Meat!”
“Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
“Bacon!”
“Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
“Homework!”
Everyone has a photographic memory.
Only some don’t have the film.
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
…
An envelope!
Jesus is in heaven. He goes for a walk. He walks along the walls. He hears a voice. It is coming from the other side. It is the voice of an old man.
“Hello? Hello?” says the man.
“Who is it?” asks Jesus.
“Just a poor, old carpenter. I’m looking for my son.”
“Joseph?”
“Pinocchio?”