Why are married men fat and bachelors are not? The bachelors go to the fridge. They see nothing that they want, and then they go to bed. Married men go to bed – they see nothing that they want, and then they go to the fridge.
A: I’m in big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: There is a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don’t have a trap.
B: Well, buy one.
A: I don’t have any money.
B: I can give you my trap if you want.
A: Great. Thank you.
B: All you need to do is just put some cheese in the trap, then the mouse will come to the trap.
A: I don’t have any cheese.
B: Okay, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil on it and put it in the trap.
A: I don’t have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don’t have any bread.
B: I don’t understand. What is the mouse doing at your house?!
Why do men like women dressed in leather?
Because they smell like new cars.
A man has a big garden around his house. An old dog comes to his garden. The dog looks at the man and then lies down next to him.
When the man stands up and walks to the house, the dog walks behind him. When they are inside, the dog jumps on the sofa, closes his eyes and sleeps for one hour. Then he wakes up and walks to the door. The man lets the dog out.
The next day the dog comes again. He jumps on the sofa and sleeps for an hour. This is happening every day for three weeks. The man wants to know why the dog comes to his house. He writes on a piece of paper these words, “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house and sleeps for one hour on my sofa.” Then the man puts this piece of paper on his collar.
The next day the dog comes with a different piece of paper on his collar. It says, “He lives in a home with four children. He needs some quite place to relax. Can I come with him tomorrow?”
Nobody is perfect. I am nobody. So I am perfect.
One day, Satan comes to a church. Everybody in the church is afraid and runs away. Only one old man stays in the church.
So Satan walks to the man and says, “Do you know who I am?”
The man says, “Yes, I know who you are.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asks.
“No, I am not.” says the man.
“Do you know that I can make life horrible for you?” asks Satan.
“Yes, I know,” says the old man.
“Do you know that I can kill you with one word?” asks Satan.
“Yes, I know,” says the old man.
“And you’re still not afraid?” asks Satan.
“No,” says the old man.
Satan is shocked but asks, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man says, “I married your sister 48 years ago.”
One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear are sitting in the snow. The son polar bear looks at his father and asks, “Dad, am I 100 % polar bear?”
The father polar bear says, “Of course, son, you’re 100 % polar bear. Why do you ask?”
“I am very cold!” says his son.
A young man has a new job at a supermarket. It is his first day. The manager says hello to him. Then he gives him a mop and says, “Your first job is to mop the floor.”
“But I have a university degree,” the young man says.
“Oh, I understand. I’m sorry,” says the manager. “Give me the mop. I can show you how.”
A petrol station owner wants to sell more petrol in a small village. He writes on a board, “Free sex for a full tank.”
Many people come to the petrol station. One of the first people is Hugo. When his tank is full, he asks for free sex.
The owner tells him, “Tell me a number from 1 to 10.”
Hugo says 8.
The owner says, “The number is 7. Sorry. No sex this time.”
The next week Hugo comes with his friend Augustin. When Hugo’s tank is full, he asks again for free sex.
The owner wants to hear the correct number again. Hugo says 2 this time.
The owner says, “Sorry, it is 3. No sex today.”
Hugo is angry and he tells his friend Augustin, “I think it is a marketing trick and there is no free sex.”
His friend Augustin says, “No, it isn’t a trick. My wife had free sex twice last week.”
A man is reading his newspaper when his wife walks up to him and hits him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He says, “Why do you hit me?”
“There was a piece of paper in your pocket with the words ‘Betty Sue’ on it.”
He says, “Honey, ‘Betty Sue’ is the name of the horse which I want to buy.”
The wife doesn’t say anything.
Three days later he is reading his newspaper again. His wife comes to him and hits him with a frying pan again.
He says, “Why do you hit me again?”
She says, “Your horse is on the phone.”