A man goes to hospital for a check-up because he has some medical problems. The doctor tells him that he doesn’t know exactly what the problem is and that they need to do more tests. After weeks of tests, the doctor tells the man that he has some good news and some bad news.
“You have a new and incurable disease,” says the doctor.
“And what’s the good news?” asks the man.
And the doctor says, “We’re going to name it after you.”
“Does your son know what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend.
“He wants to be a garbageman,” he replied.
“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”
“Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.”
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain, and they name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
Why do men like women dressed in leather?
Because they smell like new cars.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down. She is really angry. She says to a man next to her, ”The driver just insulted me!”
The man says, ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
A very excited mother asked her daughter, “Well, what happened when you showed the girls in the office your new engagement ring? Did they all admire it?”
Her daughter replied, “Better than that, four of them recognised it!”
A man has a big garden around his house. An old dog comes to his garden. The dog looks at the man and then lies down next to him.
When the man stands up and walks to the house, the dog walks behind him. When they are inside, the dog jumps on the sofa, closes his eyes and sleeps for one hour. Then he wakes up and walks to the door. The man lets the dog out.
The next day the dog comes again. He jumps on the sofa and sleeps for an hour. This is happening every day for three weeks. The man wants to know why the dog comes to his house. He writes on a piece of paper these words, “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house and sleeps for one hour on my sofa.” Then the man puts this piece of paper on his collar.
The next day the dog comes with a different piece of paper on his collar. It says, “He lives in a home with four children. He needs some quite place to relax. Can I come with him tomorrow?”
A woman was arrested for stealing. When she went before the judge, he asked her, “What did you steal?” She replied, “A can of peaches.”
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 5. The judge then said, “I will give you 5 days in jail.”
When her husband heard this, he stood up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, “What is it?”
The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”
A rapist, a gangster and a murderer are in the same car.
Who is driving the car?
A police officer!
Nobody is perfect. I am nobody. So I am perfect.