A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he saw a policeman who said, “Now, now young boy, I think you should take that monkey to the zoo.”
The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again when he saw the same policeman. The policeman said, “Hey boy, I thought I told you to take that monkey to the zoo!”
The boy answered, “I did! Today, I’m taking it to the cinema.”
“Where is the manager?”
“He is on the phone. It’s his wife.”
“How do you know that it is his wife?”
“Because he is not saying anything.”
“Mummy, you have such a nice dress. Where are you going in it?”
“I’m going to the theatre to see Romeo and Juliet.”
“But you’ve seen it 5 times!”
“Yes, I know, but not in this dress.”
The new employee stood before the paper shredder and was looking confused.
“Do you need some help?” a secretary asked.
“Yes,” he replied, “how does this thing work?”
“It’s simple,” she said, taking the fat report from his hand and putting it into the shredder.
“Thanks, but where do the copies come out?”
In a Catholic school restaurant, a nun puts a note in front of a pile of apples, “Take only one. God is watching.”
Next to the apples, there is a pile of cookies. A little boy writes his own note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
Two farmers are speaking, “I want to buy this sheep, but it is too expensive!”
“Yes it is, but look at its coat! It is 100% wool!”
A student stops a car and asks the driver,
“Can you take me to school?”
“Sorry, I’m going in another direction,” says the driver.
“Super, take me there!”
An instructor in a driving school tells his student, “Tell me, how does the motor work?”
“Can I use my own words?”
“Of course.“
“Vroom, vroom.”
The man: “God, how long is a million years?”
God: “To me, it’s about a minute.”
The man: “God, how much is a million dollars?”
God: “To me it’s a penny.”
The man: “God, may I have a penny?”
God: “Wait a minute.”
One day a friend asked Fred, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Fred replied, “Well, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “So, what’s the problem?”
Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”