A man was on a tour of the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while he was on vacation. By chance, he discovered a secret room. He left the tour group silently and started to explore the room. He found a dusty lamp and picked it up. He wiped the dust off the lamp and a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.
“For freeing me from my prison, I will grant you a wish. What will it be, sire?”
The man thought for a moment, then said, “I want a spectacular job, a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do.”
“Allah Ka Zam! You’re a housewife!”
A man goes into a post office one day. A middle-aged bald man is standing at the counter. He is sticking stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He also sprays the envelopes with perfume.
The man goes to the bald man and asks him,
“What are you doing?”
“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards. They’re signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?”
“I’m a divorce lawyer.”
I was walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something from the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the thing away from her and I asked her not to do that.
“Why?” my daughter asked.
“Because it’s been laying outside, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty and it probably has germs,” I replied.
My daughter looked at me with total admiration, and she asked, “Wow! How do you know all these things?”
“Uh,” I was thinking quickly, “All moms know this. It’s on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.” We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently thinking about this new information. “OH… I get it!” she exclaimed, “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the daddy.”
“Exactly,” I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.
Jesus is in heaven. He goes for a walk. He walks along the walls. He hears a voice. It is coming from the other side. It is the voice of an old man.
“Hello? Hello?” says the man.
“Who is it?” asks Jesus.
“Just a poor, old carpenter. I’m looking for my son.”
“Joseph?”
“Pinocchio?”
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. When he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the table.
“Mind if I have a few?” he asks.
“No, not at all!” the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and when the preacher stands because he wants to leave, he realises that he didn’t eat just a few peanuts but he emptied most of the bowl!
“I’m terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few.”
“Oh, that’s all right,” the woman says. “Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.”
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood when he asked the prisoner,
“What are you charged with?”
“I was doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.
“That’s no offence”, said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened.”
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says,
“Doctor, you’ve got to do something about my husband, he thinks he’s a fridge!”
“I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” the doctor replies. “Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.”
“But you don’t understand,” the woman insists. “He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.”
