A man goes into a post office one day. A middle-aged bald man is standing at the counter. He is sticking stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He also sprays the envelopes with perfume.
The man goes to the bald man and asks him,
“What are you doing?”
“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards. They’re signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?”
“I’m a divorce lawyer.”
I was walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something from the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the thing away from her and I asked her not to do that.
“Why?” my daughter asked.
“Because it’s been laying outside, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty and it probably has germs,” I replied.
My daughter looked at me with total admiration, and she asked, “Wow! How do you know all these things?”
“Uh,” I was thinking quickly, “All moms know this. It’s on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.”
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently thinking about this new information.
“OH… I get it!” she exclaimed, “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the daddy.”
“Exactly,” I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.
Jesus is in heaven. He goes for a walk. He walks along the walls. He hears a voice. It is coming from the other side. It is the voice of an old man.
“Hello? Hello?” says the man.
“Who is it?” asks Jesus.
“Just a poor, old carpenter. I’m looking for my son.”
“Joseph?”
“Pinocchio?”
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel and never mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man loves children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
And a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He’ll do anything in his power
To express his love to you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He’s a best friend to your mother
and kisses away your pain.
He will never make you cry
or batter you in any way
To hell with this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. When he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the table.
“Mind if I have a few?” he asks.
“No, not at all!” the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and when the preacher stands because he wants to leave, he realises that he didn’t eat just a few peanuts but he emptied most of the bowl!
“I’m terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few.”
“Oh, that’s all right,” the woman says. “Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.”
A patient walks into a doctor’s office.
“Doctor, people ignore me.”
“Next!”
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood when he asked the prisoner,
“What are you charged with?”
“I was doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.
“That’s no offence”, said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened.”
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says,
“Doctor, you’ve got to do something about my husband, he thinks he’s a fridge!”
“I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” the doctor replies. “Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.”
“But you don’t understand,” the woman insists. “He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.”
Women are like telephones. You hold them, and they love it. You talk to them, and they love it.
But press the wrong button, and you are DISCONNECTED.
An old man went to the doctor. He had problems with a terrible pain in his leg.
“I am afraid, it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “I can’t do anything about it.”
“That can’t be true!” replied the old man, “You just don’t know what it is”.
“How can you possibly know that I am wrong?” asked the doctor.
“Well it’s simple,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exactly same age!”