A lawyer opens the door of his BMW. Suddenly, a passing car hits the door and it flies away. The lawyer gets so mad – he loves his BMW so much!
Soon, the police arrive: “Officer, look what happened to my Beemer!”
“Lawyers are so materialistic!” says the officer, “You are worried about your stupid BMW! Didn’t you notice you’re missing your left arm?”
“Oh my god! Where is my Rolex!?”
A girl handed in a short story for her English class. The instructions were simple – the story had to be about religion, sexuality and mystery, and it had to be as short as possible.
Having received the marked paper, the girl rejoiced. She was the only student to get an A+. This is what she had written:
“God! I’m pregnant – I wonder how that happened…”
My brain is like the Bermuda Triangle. Information goes in, but I can never find it later.
Dave and Kevin are at a New Year’s Eve party, and Dave asks Kevin for a cigarette.
“Didn’t you quit?!”
“I am in the process of quitting. Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.”
“Phase one?”
“Yeah,” laughs Dave, “I just stopped buying them.”
A man was praying as he was having a walk on a beach in California. Suddenly, the sky above him clouded over and he could hear the Lord say:
“Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will make one of your wishes true.”
“Build me a bridge from here to Hawaii. I want to be able to drive there anytime I feel like.”
“That is a very materialistic and wasteful wish! Take your time to think and tell me another wish. A kind one!”
The man thought for a long time. Finally, he said, “Lord, I would like to understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside… What she is thinking when she gives me the silent treatment… Why she cries… What she means when she says ‘nothing is wrong’… And how I can make a woman truly happy?”
“Do you want two or four lanes on that bridge?”
There is a boy. He is in the first year of high school. He is going to the school ball. He wants to dance with an older girl at the ball. He asks her, but she only answers:
“I don’t want to dance with a child.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you are pregnant.”
One retired woman says to another, “I couldn’t go to sleep today because of my teeth.”
The other one says, “I don’t have that problem. My teeth and I stopped sleeping together a long time ago.”
A man and his wife were having some problems, so they decided to try silent therapy.
The following week, the man realized that he needed his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. He had to catch an early flight, but he didn’t want to be the first one to break the silence. So, he wrote on a piece of paper:
“Please wake me at 5 a.m.”
The next morning the man woke up, but it was already 9 a.m. He missed his flight!
He was furious and started screaming at his wife, but she just showed him a piece of paper next to his bed.
“It’s 5 a.m. Wake up.”
Why do Chinese eat more than Japanese?
Because there is more of them.
It’s Saturday evening. The pastor asks the assistant priest:
“What do you want to do in sermon the tomorrow?”
“I think I will tell people that it is important to save their money, their food…”
“Good, but ask them to give a little money first.”