A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. “Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man put his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Please let me in!” he said, “And see my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
One day, Satan comes to a church. Everybody in the church is afraid and runs away. Only one old man stays in the church. So Satan walks to the man and says, “Do you know who I am?”
The man says, “Yes, I know who you are.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asks.
“No, I am not.” says the man.
“Do you know that I can make life horrible for you?” asks Satan.
“Yes, I know,” says the old man.
“Do you know that I can kill you with one word?” asks Satan.
“Yes, I know,” says the old man.
“And you’re still not afraid?” asks Satan.
“No,” says the old man.
Satan is shocked but asks, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man says, “I married your sister 48 years ago.”
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked an accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see”, answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their seats, but the three engineers all went into one toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, “Ticket, please.”
The door opened just a little and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to ride without a ticket”? said one confused accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see”, answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants went into a toilet and the three engineers went into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left their toilet and walked over to the toilet where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, “Ticket, please.”
A contestant on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” had reached the final level. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would get only the $32,000 milestone money.
As she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question wasn’t easy. It was: Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it
A) the condor;
B) the pelican;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?
The woman was lost. She did not know the answer. And she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded quickly, “That’s easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo.”
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certainty, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. “I need an answer,” said the host. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, “C: The cuckoo.”
“Is that your final answer?” asked the host. “Yes, that is my final answer.”
Two seconds later, the host said, “I regret to inform you that the answer is… absolutely correct.
You are now a millionaire!”
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. “Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you,” said the contestant. “Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was your certainty with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the right answer?”
“Oh, come on!” said the blonde. “Everybody knows that cuckoos don’t build nests. They live in clocks.”
An old man had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor gave him a set of hearing aids that helped the man to hear 100 %.
The old man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The man replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear are sitting in the snow. The son polar bear looks at his father and asks, “Dad, am I 100 % polar bear?” The father polar bear says, “Of course, son, you’re 100 % polar bear. Why do you ask?”
“I am very cold!” says his son.
There once was an old man who was dying in his bed. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic. “When I die, I’ll get the money on my way up,” said the old man. Well, when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there. “I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!”
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman. She knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all amazed. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”
They are knocked over, but continue to ask.
“So, how did you persuade her to marry you?”
“I lied about my age,” Bob replies.
“Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”
A young man has a new job at a supermarket. It is his first day. The manager says hello to him. Then he gives him a mop and says, “Your first job is to mop the floor.” “But I have a university degree,” the young man says.
“Oh, I understand. I’m sorry,” says the manager. “Give me the mop. I can show you how.”
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They promised that if one of them died, the second one would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car accident. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she said, “John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?”
A ghostly voice answered, “Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.”
Martha asked, “Oh John, what is it like where you are?”
“It’s beautiful. The sky is blue, there’s a soft wind, sun shines most of the time.”
“What do you do all day?” asked Martha.
“Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there’s nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we sleep until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we make love again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.”
Martha was somewhat surprised. “Is that what heaven really is like?”
“Heaven? I’m not in heaven, Martha.”
“Well, then, where are you?”
“I’m a rabbit in Arizona.”
